I felt they were just kinda silly and discouraged any kind of meaningful indiviual growth, for me at least. i figured i’m better off going out in the real world and interacting and making connections with real people than sharing my life and it’s events with a bunch of digital strangers, and i still do feel that way, i’m just slacking on the “making connections with real people” part I guess. Besides my circle of friends which is pretty small i can’t really find it in me to get excited about new people, or rather i can’t find the energy to put on the friendly hat and present myself as somebody you’d want to get to know and/or befriend, and it’s not that I don’t think i’m an awesome person or anything like that, i think I have a lot to offer as an individual, special snowflake and all that jazz. I just have too much on my plate right now i guess. i spend too much time in my own thoughts to try and bring in thoughts about a new person with new ideas and interests and quirks, etc. to consider, but at the same time i feel kinda stuck in the same cycles. so i don’t know, kind of a tough situation. But here i am typing about it on a social blogging site right? *shrug* it’s a start, better than keeping everything locked away in my head. Plus i’m not really writing this for the sake of anyone seeing it, this is for me, really. I want to respect my emotions a little more, typically i’d rant this all to myself in my head and then go to sleep and forget it later. But it’s important to acknowledge your feelings, and to be able to revisit how you felt. So i’ll put them here. I’m sure only like three of you will bother to read the first few sentences anyway.
Playing some Erykah Badu and whatever feel good music I can find for my grandma right now. the fact that she can’t move around like she used to and her overall health in general has her really down these days. She feels like she has nothing to live for and it really breaks my heart, she doesn’t speak english so the only people she really gets to talk to are my mother and siblings but my sister moved out and the rest of us are always working so I imagine she just spends her days drifting through this house in silence with nothing but her thoughts to keep her company. That sucks for me and I comparatively have things waay better than she does, at least i have a few good friends i can run to when things get to be too much for me, I can only imagine how lonely she gets. I wish I could go back in time to when she was like 12 and just give her a big hug. Her upbringing has tossed her around so much and made her so close-minded and just… bitter and hurt man it really sucks. And i can’t even try to talk to her about how she feels because my creole isn’t good enough to really have complex discussions where i can help her to sort out her feelings. I just hope maybe some good music and an open window can offer her some stimulation, maybe beam some positivity into this small world of hers. =/ I really love this lady man even though she’s never been one of the more nurturing presences in my life.
By myself as usual because my friends are lame, but anyway, there’s two nursing homes on that island so alot of seniors and disabled people live there. So i’m walking down along the water and these guys, about five or six of em are just hanging out in their wheelchairs rolling up blunts in broad daylight. I really wanted to sit and join em but it probably wouldn’t have panned out the way i imagined it. Next time i’m gonna bring a J with me so i can smoke with them